Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
