Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I just saw a hot homeless man
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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