Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
