My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I will pee on everything he values.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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