Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
