My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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