I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
