i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
