I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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