3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
