She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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