Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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