If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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