you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
