Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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