Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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