Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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