I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
