i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
