It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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