in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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