Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
