You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
