it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
