U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
