haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
