First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
