what day is it and did you see me today?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
