You smell like a Billy Joel song
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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