im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
