i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
