Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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