idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
