I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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