so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
