If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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