I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
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