you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
