did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Randomize
