I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
