mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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