Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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