Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
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I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
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