If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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