thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
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all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize