I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I need moral support for this bender
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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