wanna go halves on a baby?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
even my farts smell like vagina
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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