Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We have started to decorate penises.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
