Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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