remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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