Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
