My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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