Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
