Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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