Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
