he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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